


Running Scared

by missmishka



Category: Peaky Blinders
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hidden Relationship, M/M, brief references to het sex, but this is about Finn & Isaiah, finn's stuck in his own head, hidden sexuality, pure hurt in chapter one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25799710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmishka/pseuds/missmishka
Summary: Set in 4x03 "Blackbird." Finn isn't ready to tell his family why he's not been with a girl before.  He takes their ribbing and fully intends to ignore the appointment they schedule for him that night.  He expects Isaiah will help him come up with an excuse or way out.He is wrong.
Relationships: Isaiah Jesus/Finn Shelby
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63





	Running Scared

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds song, no significance other than the title matched my mood & the group's music is such a fixture on the show

His brothers never noticed Finn's lack of a girlfriend. Just one of the countless things that they didn’t seem to care about when it comes to their baby brother. Granted, they kept getting into enough shit to make it understandable that they weren’t keeping better tabs on Finn.

But put him in charge of the shop for a single day; alone with Aunt Polly and the wives, and the fact of his inexperience with girls became an immediate focus. Telling them that he'd never been with a girl had opened a can of worms that he couldn’t close. He was to lose his virginity posthaste. He loved their attention, but surrounded by them as they treated him like a cute little baby fox in a henhouse wasn’t the time to admit that his virginity was most definitely gone already. And the lack of a girlfriend being part of that process had been by his own choice.  


He tried to shrug them off and take their jokes in stride, but the women of the Shelby clan, in place of his brothers, unanimously decreed that Finn was to be “deflowered" by one of Lizzie's old prostitute friends. The only thing that would have been worse were if Lizzie had decided to do it herself for some kind of Shelby brother trifecta. The whole day, he ran the shop trying to figure a way out of it.  


No matter how much he wanted to call him for guidance, Finn didn’t seek out Isaiah until after dark. He gave a thought to the two of them going out to get drunk so he could pretend he lost track of time and failed to make the appointment written on a betting slip and burning a hole in his pocket. The address of the unknown woman he was to fuck and the time to be there. He wanted to tear the slip to bits and burn the confetti it made.  


After meeting up with Isaiah, though, and discussing the matter, a stone-faced Finn is at the designated address five minutes early.  


_“There’s no harm in trying,”_ he can still hear his friend saying. _“Give it a go. It’s not so bad,” Isaiah had grinned at him and playfully jarred Finn’s shoulder. “You might like it.”_  


_“It’s not so bad.”_ He'd known that Isaiah had been with a girl before they really started messing around. Isaiah’s bragging about that fact had led to them wrestling which led to one of Finn’s many accidental erections. That time his friend hadn’t picked on him about it. His dark eyes had gone darker with a mixture of triumph, curiosity and hunger and he'd kept up the friction between them until Finn spent in his clothes like the schoolboy that he’d been.  


_“There’s no harm in trying.”_ When that was said early on about the things that they did to one another, Finn had loved hearing Isaiah say it because the boy grinned pure temptation every time he uttered that phrase. But Isaiah hadn’t been trying to tempt Finn to explore new pleasures with him anymore. He'd basically told Finn to seek them elsewhere.   


_“You might like it.”_ It was like he’d wanted to work in every single thing that Finn had never wanted to hear from his lover. All that had been missing were Isaiah saying clear words to the effect that they were over or shouldn’t fool around anymore or that he didn’t love Finn, but it’s the fucking same, _isn’t it?_ If Isaiah had felt anything like what Finn did for him then they’d be finding an excuse right now for Finn to be anywhere else right now with Isaiah.  


He stands outside his destination remembering those first times Isaiah kissed him. How their wrestling had led to erections and grinding against one another to get off then grew to hand jobs and blow jobs wherever they could be alone with their dicks out for five minutes.  


_“’s ok, Finny boy. I've got you.”_ Those were his favorite words to remember. As close to a vow or declaration as either of them had ever gotten. Isaiah had said it many times, seeming to detect how it twisted Finn up, but it’s from the very first time it'd been said that Finn would never forget. The words and the way that he’d been held that first time Isaiah took him. Their hands had clasped tightly as Isaiah worked his long, thick shaft into Finn’s ass and that losing of his virginity had hurt, but he'd been held and patiently taken through it to find the pleasure in the act. He could still feel the weight and heat of the other boy atop him. Inside him. His lips and tongue touching all that it could of Finn’s back while they rutted together. That voice had been so husky and deep, a caress by itself, as it heaped praise upon Finn for how good it felt while begging to be allowed to do it again.  


And it had been allowed. For three years now they'd been doing it. Isaiah taking Finn and Finn taking Isaiah, and damned if Finn hadn’t done his share of begging to do it all again. He fucking loved that boy and what they did together and the last thing he wanted was to _“give it a go"_ with anyone else, female or male.  


He shouldn’t have had to explain that to anyone. Especially Isaiah. His lover should know it already. But it’s probably further proof of the lack of love between them that Isaiah obviously didn’t know. And Finn hadn’t a clue now how Isaiah felt about him in light of this encouragement to have sex with someone else.  


Clearly, none of that mattered though. No one cared about Finn’s wants this night. Not even Finn.

He took a deep drink from his flask, took a few deeps breaths, ignoring the sniffling sound when he breathed through his now and the dampness as he wiped his face. He tucked away his flask, straighten his hair and then knocked on the door before him. Despite his bitterness and the maudlin direction of his thoughts, he knew an erection wouldn't be an issue. The thoughts of Isaiah never failed to speed up his pulse and harden his cock, so he'd just focus on that to get it done.  


Later, talking to Tommy about it, he wanted to tell his brother how it had really been with the woman. About how he’d never wanted to be in such a situation. How it shamed him to do that with a strange woman instead of the man that he wanted. This was his chance to tell someone in his family that he was queer. Tom shouldn’t take it too badly. He'd been accepting enough of Ada's queer boarder, James.

Finn only had to say how he wanted Isaiah, not some girl or woman, but for the first time since befriending the boy at age eight, Finn wasn’t certain where they stood. He wasn’t even certain where he wanted them to be.  


Mere hours ago, he would have easily known and said that he wanted them to be together. Just needed more time to tell the family, for both their safety  


His performance tonight had failed to earn any enthusiasm from the prostitute, though, and there was a hollow pit in his gut at the thought that maybe he was just as disappointing to Isaiah. _Did he "need to be a man" for Isaiah?_ Could he be with him and man enough for the Peaky Blinders?

Perhaps that was the real reason that the other man had encouraged him to take advantage of the proffered female. He was ashamed to realize that, upon reflection, he knew of times when he was selfish inside Isaiah. That he was so quick to find release in the tightness of his lover that he wasn’t always aware whether the other man came with him, unlike Isaiah who always made sure Finn came first. He knew of at least one time that he had pulled out, making Isaiah hiss at the withdrawal, and while Finn had flopped down on the bed, Isaiah had stayed on his knees, one hand furiously pulling at his dick. As soon as he'd seen that, Finn had moved himself under the other man and taken him in his mouth, opening his throat to be fucked. If he had his way, he’d spend a substantial portion of every day gagging on Isaiah's cock.  


_But what if it wasn’t mutual? What if Isaiah only did it because he thought he had to to keep the Shelby's happy and remain a Peaky Blinder?_ He couldn’t get the whore’s exhaustion out of his memory. How evident it had been that he’d been an unwanted burden upon her that evening, but one she had been obligated to take on because of Lizzie or Tom or both. If it were the same for Isaiah to be with him…  


The thoughts made Finn physically ill because… he fucking loved Isaiah. His best, and often only, mate since the age of eight. The boy he'd trained with in boxing, learning together how to be tough and thinking they did damned good jobs of it. The light brown skinned young man whose hand contrasting with Finn’s paleness seemed something beautiful that has always been meant to mix and meld together. The man whose voice and stare and touch and fleeting kiss drove Finn to distraction. The man whose body he would gladly worship for the rest of his days.  


_The man who had told him to sleep with a woman that night.  
_

Isaiah damned Jesus.  


That boy who had just fucking broken Finn’s heart, left his confidence in tatters and likely didn'teven have a clue.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of issues with this episode & this is my way of working through them. I also know I'm projecting a lot, but I truly feel this is something in Finn that the show should explore. The second chapter will bring comfort for the hurt here, but it’s still a few days from ready to post. I wanted to go ahead & test the waters with this, though.


End file.
